While researching basic properties of fabric compounds and getting high on generous amount of Stutt (beer), according to mythology, the ladies went into suggesting that components of matter in these compounds are not point-like, as we still believe they are, but spaghetti-like, or stringy. The discovery sparked a whole new breed of housewive's behaviors and fashion trends that have developed and evolved in time. Knitting Theory is peculiar for its cryptic, mathematically-dense language. The most exotic and advanced versions of the theory are excellently summarized quarterly online on knitty.com and exposed in writing in SnB and IK, available from specialized bookstores.

Knitting Theory is based on strings of fabric or wool (yarn) that can show topologically peculiar properties: in the most common incarnation the theory predicts yarn that have loose ends, in others yarn is closed in a loop, anchored to a surface (like in zib's purses) or lie in fuzzy manifolds (mess or stash) set aside for "untangling". Yarn behaves much like spaghetti naturally and knitters spend most of the time consistently untangling the Italian mess. This inordinate state is common and predicted by theory which suggests several ways and tools to make a clean and ordinate "skein" or "yarn cake" out of a typical mess. Popular tools are "the swift" and the "ball winder". By using any of these tools and a kid on minimum wage, but not a cat, a utterly mess of yarn can be made into a tidy "yarn cake". If you have a very disciplined cat at hand, risk is yours to try. Knitters indulge happily in a trance-like state, admiring their stash accrued beyond life expectancy only to find themselves frantically in the other extreme known as "paradoxical sorting syndrome" or PSS.

Yarn cakes can be found ready-made in all sorts of colors and variants in shops called LYS. These are dark alcove-like shops recalling an Irish Pub, but without the smoke and beer, located next to the most unusual neighbors. Yarn can occasionally be found available at the LOYM. SEX is lots of fun for knitters but can be boring to their partners, who can be found mostly hanging around wandering dogs, kids and other memorabilia waiting for knitters to be done with the SEX and eventually coming out smiling with bags chock-full of multicolored "skeins".

Knitting is a religious-like theory and allows for no compromise in practice. A true knitter can be easily offended if you sarcastically notice that all her projects are WIPs and UFOs. As for other personality-empowering activities, accessories are important and bear their own exotic code-name and language. Knitters rely on an extensive army of tools. From aluminum needles to wooden sticks often made from exotic materials such as bamboo or ebony, from elaborate yarn cutters to colorful stitch-markers, a full range of these can be found. (Some of the tools can sometimes sport a slightly obscene look, such as the nosty. If you are of faint heart think twice or look for ethical advice before joining)

In recent development heretical versions of the theory have been formulated. One of these assigns tools to functions other than usual like self-defense and tactical fight. Followers of this interpretation are troops, who specialize in hats and socks. Another sect includes the BcoD Devotees, knitters who “boil” the knitted yarn to make a soup. This is know as “felting” and its followers “shrink-heads”.

A bag full of colored cakes (yellow-cake is treated especially for its radiant properties) is just half the job. Theory implies you know what you're doing, which is the hard part and philosophy does not help.

Yarn can be worked by any combination of sized and shaped sticks into elaborate patterns and designs. Several topological categories, some sleek, some ugly, some hair-raising exist. You can knit skeins to make socks, scarves, skirts and purses and dog-bags but also whips, bras and pants for your favorite animal. Patterns can be drawn on paper, on computers or come via email from a friend in the form of spam or viruses. The theory makes clear that it does not matter how good you are, you will make mistakes. This is called "tolerance". Experienced knitters exhibit low tolerance. When said knitters find they have made a mistake the best of them will find a way to incorporate it as a design feature. But mistakes are part of life, for which a cure may or may not exist. Going fishing is a cure, divorce, while an extreme remedy, another, but to stop knitting is not a cure. All in all, don't fool yourself, if you made mistakes staying in frogging denial is just a temporary option!

Living with a knitter is not easy. To which degree varies based on the knitter's personality as knitters come in all flavors. The sociological kind is common, to which knitting is a crusade, the polarized kind, to which an SKP and a K2TOG are mutually exclusive, the helping type, which needs to help you even when you never asked for help and the guru type, which only lives in Nepal. Some knitters are militant to their partner, which is, they want their mate to be involved. This can develop in requesting for help winding a hank (which can have catastrophic results), help choosing color and design (which turns into masochism easily) and can go as far as outsourcing a design to the mate. The latter, technically called "black hole initiative" is definitely hairy business and can go as far as what is known as "annihilation", don't try it if you are the Romantic type.

Unfortunately for me I don't take my own advice and I am now working on a design for a lady's top that falls into the hair-raising category. D&G are making inquires and we are keeping the thing secret but, well, now you know.

Minimal glossary for those not in the know

SnB Stick n' Bitch. Refers to a knitting group or the book by Debbie Stoller
IK Interweave Knits Magazine
Stash Cumulative inventory of all yarn in posses of a knitter or "path integral"
Skein Elementary unit of yarn, normally found as a unit of 50 or 100 grams
Yarn cake Product of winding yarn on a ball winder
Swift tool Extendable tool used to hold a hank of yarn usually in conjunction with a ball winder or a nosty
Ball winder tool Small tool used to wind up yarn to yarn cakes
PSS paradoxical sorting syndrome
LYS Local Yarn Store
LOYM Little Old Yarn Man
SEX Stash Enhancement Expedition
Frogging Ripping out the work in order to correct errors
Frogging denial Procastinate frogging
WIP Work In Progress
UFO Unfinished Object
Nosty phallic implement used to wind a ball of yarn when a ball winder is not available
BcoD Boiling Cauldron of Death
SKP Slip Knit Pass Over
K2TOG Knit Two Together