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July 09, 2005

I work for Google - dead engine

I work for Google and it feels fine. Yes, and no, I'm not a secretary, we have secretaries, I mean regular secretaries, I have three.

Worked for Google since 2002 and I'm in heuristics. Me and six like me, well, not quite exactly like me to be true, however, we supervise the Engine.

The Engine is the huge singing star ship in a sinking fleet, ya know, yep and kid, unofficially, don't put it down, remember your several NDAs and our lawyers, which you're going to see later on, those nasty eggballs are going to dig into your notes like drilling cheese. But now, for now, let's relax, talk to me all right?

Talking about The Engine. Our hero, our revenues generator, we all are grown-up hombres, profit not a bad word, we spell it upfront, do we?

We're in it for the money, no joke about it. Your competition out in the field, beat their prize, you're in heaven, from red to black, overnight, like that.
Sign here. Herr Gott, dich loben wir. Good Job! Easy, honest and objective. Danke.

That room there, that's the Engine, The other one is the Patching Bridge. The Bridge is an extension of our kernel and runs on top of it, dynamically over PageRank. From a sociological standpoint you can spell that a Reality Distortion Field. Between me and you, some of our biggest revenues funnel up from this single interaction. Microsoft sucks up our schema via MSN right out of the architecture and I tell you, the Monterey Jack we churn out of it, man! We are crawling on their backs like monkeys. Darwinism is darwinism, and faith and sip blood out of a juicy good dying carcass. What do you think? 10 more years riding a straw, good ole Mary Poppins.

Oh, but my secs, here they come. Aren't they cute? You like blondes? There you go, Avilina, New Mexico, the supreme Elvis aggregator, the living thing all the way to Twin Peaks and Mulholland Drive into contemporary movies Moguls. Ain't she nice? Solid, solid shaped ankles, large feet remind me of some smart-ass Norwegian viking and that heart-shaped ass is plain foolish. Yep, a nice living frame, don't you think?

Come cover me over kid, no, don't bother Ali, she's patching code right now but Christie is there, hanging the probe in mid-air, brain like parachuting down to earth, black-eyed and peel to caress her tail back like eyed-curtains, I told you, we have the best, profit is important, that's all it is about.

What do I do? Oh, man, piping orders from the blue letter and high-gears, obviously, top-clientsry chemistry, top-patching work, slight alterations in the pattern, anticipating some good prospects, precise trends pick-ups from our user's mail. How? You don't have Gmail? I'll drop you a few invitations. Actually, let me drop you a free pass for a 50 accounts batch, just imagine, drag it on to yer friends electric, please mention that in the interview. Gmail is an excellence tool, that's where we pick up the loose threads from and consolidate them into profitable prospected trends. We have an eye on, remember, I listen on the channel, don't you ever let me down, Jamie.

Here comes Kia, she's done and on her break, you can keep her company if you want, it's our duty to get distracted as often as we can. Ya know where inspiration is coming from. She's from Chicago but a ninja in her soul and dressed in a slightly aged Lara Croft suit with good rhymes. No swords but she can hurt you bad, kid, and see you later, she's glaring at you like neon lights at a singles bar in Alvin, TX. Your toothpaste, kids, have fun, come back with bright new hopes, emend the Kamasutra all the way down. Ya want maps? Try maps at google and pin down yer neighbors running the peep show in the backyard. Privacy what? Ehi, I was expecting you to be open minded! Geez! Mind is just too much of a valuable tool to waste in solitary masturbating, let's do it in the road, would ya? You're with the Beatles? But you didn't do Berkley, that's why I'm with the gray hipsters and you're not, right? See the factory, no, the hills up there, look, Sonora, Manteca, that's our database, we'll ride on later, kid, bowling session first, can you play? I'll introduce you to LeeAnne, our database Chief. She's a wacko, Amerindian. Can you beat her at Five Card Stud? I doubt it. But I'll risk my ass and leave ya under her watch for a while, do you mind, ehi, dude?

Frankie, what's up, freakie, you all right? She out with this Japanese transliteration, a new metric we are just rendering into the database, that scared you so? Why? Oh why?

Remember, our shares topped 296.23 today, that's 6 times AAPL before the split, 10 times MSFT current, what do you do with all that money? See, we are just scraping the notch, visit next year for some good adult entertainment.

Got new games to play with reality? What about an audience? We're going to portal when older, inevitably to disposable plugs near location and play Yahoo, delivered free to power outlets, a joke? Want to buy Sony? Apple? Play hardball with the deadheads? They're doing good on the Desktop mind-share and I have a red crew working on that and Steve reads our emails. No headaches and no condoms required.

Ain't it nice? Jamie, what do you think? You have kids, dear? Noo? Oh, man! Dude, what the fuck!

© Fortunato Caragliano

Posted by lck at July 9, 2005 06:33 PM